Scrap of paper tacked to the bottom of Hawkeye's 'business hours' sign
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theydrewfirstblood
2023-11-21 10:29 pm (UTC)(link)
[Yes, John heard this at the shops when he was inquiring about work. Yes, he thought of Hawkeye. Because he knows Hawkeye.]
The strangest kind of table is the onion.
Think it's not a table? You're wrong.
It's a vegetable.
The strangest kind of table is the onion.
Think it's not a table? You're wrong.
It's a vegetable.
A letter is left at the Oak and Iron for Rambo.
And there's a little drawing of a jar with a door on the label, for good measure.
When's a door not a door?
When it's a jar!And there's a little drawing of a jar with a door on the label, for good measure.
This time there's a letter shoved under the clinic door.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”
Bonus: there's an accompanying doodle of an elephant from behind--only he's standing on his hind legs, and he's wearing a trenchcoat that he's holding open like a flasher exposing himself.
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
“How do you breathe through that thing?”
Bonus: there's an accompanying doodle of an elephant from behind--only he's standing on his hind legs, and he's wearing a trenchcoat that he's holding open like a flasher exposing himself.
A letter surreptitiously stuffed into Sam's backpack;
How do you get four elephants into a Volkswagen?
Easy, two in the front and two in the back.A note hand-delivered by a local kid with a small bag of sweets in hand and a huge smile on his face--he has clearly been paid in sugar, and read the piece of paper that is folded and not sealed.
What happens when doctors get mad?
They lose their patients.
What happens when doctors get mad?
They lose their patients.
The next one gets tied to the leg of a pigeon. It (probably) does not reach Rambo. Really thought that one was going to work, they do it in the movies all the time.
The one after that is paper-planed in his direction when he's not looking.
The one after that is paper-planed in his direction when he's not looking.
Why did the melon have to have a church wedding?
Because it cantaloupe.[A letter delivered by post reads --]
Dr. Pierce,
As one of Pumpkin Hollow's full-time physicians, you are entitled to receive a fully operational radio transmitter and receiver set, designed by myself. As thanks for your all assistance this winter, I am also willing to waive the installation fee.
To receive your radio, simply reply to this letter or call to make an installation appointment, and I will move you to the top of the priority list. If for some reason you do not want a radio, please notify me by post and I will take you off the list. Thank you.
Tarantulas
Dr. Pierce,
As one of Pumpkin Hollow's full-time physicians, you are entitled to receive a fully operational radio transmitter and receiver set, designed by myself. As thanks for your all assistance this winter, I am also willing to waive the installation fee.
To receive your radio, simply reply to this letter or call to make an installation appointment, and I will move you to the top of the priority list. If for some reason you do not want a radio, please notify me by post and I will take you off the list. Thank you.
Tarantulas
[ Shortly after receiving the letter, Hawkeye makes that call. ]
Hey- is this Tarantula? I'm calling about that radio you mentioned- really decent of you to nix the fee on the install- I'll be at the clinic for the rest of the day, swing by when you have a minute.
Hey- is this Tarantula? I'm calling about that radio you mentioned- really decent of you to nix the fee on the install- I'll be at the clinic for the rest of the day, swing by when you have a minute.
This is Tarantulas, yes. I'll come by this afternoon, then. If you're planning to see any patients today, I'd recommend keeping them away from the room where you want the radio. We wouldn't anyone to be...disturbed.
[Because he's a big spider, you see. Let us hope none of Pierce's patients are terribly arachnophobic.]
[In any case Tarantulas will turn up at Hawkeye's door in his furry winter coat, oddly unbowed by the large canvas bag full of radio parts and tools he brought with him. Looks like he's pretty strong, for such a little guy.]
[Because he's a big spider, you see. Let us hope none of Pierce's patients are terribly arachnophobic.]
[In any case Tarantulas will turn up at Hawkeye's door in his furry winter coat, oddly unbowed by the large canvas bag full of radio parts and tools he brought with him. Looks like he's pretty strong, for such a little guy.]
[ Well that's weird, he only counted one of him.
Hawkeye fusses Tarantulas into the clinic about as soon as he arrives, closing the door behind them straight away. The temperature of the main clinic is pleasant enough, and Hawk shudders, rubbing his arms with both hands. His own winter coat looks far thinner, and it's layered over his doctor's coat. He looks a bit more gaunt than he looked earlier in the season. ]
Hey- just in here is good, up against the wall. 'm usually in here- you mind if I give you a quick check-over before you start though? Just to see if there's anything sticking around from when you got frostnip. Shouldn't be, I just like to be thorough.
Hawkeye fusses Tarantulas into the clinic about as soon as he arrives, closing the door behind them straight away. The temperature of the main clinic is pleasant enough, and Hawk shudders, rubbing his arms with both hands. His own winter coat looks far thinner, and it's layered over his doctor's coat. He looks a bit more gaunt than he looked earlier in the season. ]
Hey- just in here is good, up against the wall. 'm usually in here- you mind if I give you a quick check-over before you start though? Just to see if there's anything sticking around from when you got frostnip. Shouldn't be, I just like to be thorough.
[Hilarious, bloodbag.]
Hm? Well, if you insist. [Tarantulas shrugs as he puts his bag down and takes off his furry winter coat.] I feel fine, though.
[He doesn't look fine. He too has lost some weight, and his eyes are red-rimmed and nervous in their movements. The spider legs on his back, once freed, flex and twitch in mid-air. He seems harried, over-worked yet also over-energized at the same time.]
Hm? Well, if you insist. [Tarantulas shrugs as he puts his bag down and takes off his furry winter coat.] I feel fine, though.
[He doesn't look fine. He too has lost some weight, and his eyes are red-rimmed and nervous in their movements. The spider legs on his back, once freed, flex and twitch in mid-air. He seems harried, over-worked yet also over-energized at the same time.]
Yeah, feeling fine isn't my worry. Do this-
[ He touches his thumb to each of the rest of his fingers to demonstrate, watching for when Tarantulas does it in turn. ]
Any numbness, pins and needles, discolored spots? Trouble bending any of your fingers?
[ He touches his thumb to each of the rest of his fingers to demonstrate, watching for when Tarantulas does it in turn. ]
Any numbness, pins and needles, discolored spots? Trouble bending any of your fingers?
"Oh, reflexes and proprioception. Of course." Tarantulas patiently performs the test, watching Hawkeye watch him. He's done a little experimenting on humans but never interacted with one of their actual doctors before that cold night in December.
"I find it's a little harder to stay warm these days, but apart from that no. My circulation seems to be slightly less efficient than the human average but I haven't been able to detect a decrease in efficiency, and my joints are still fully optimized."
"I find it's a little harder to stay warm these days, but apart from that no. My circulation seems to be slightly less efficient than the human average but I haven't been able to detect a decrease in efficiency, and my joints are still fully optimized."
"Oh good, a professional, I can speak medical to you."
Hawkeye nods, "good, good. I don't need to tell you I'm sure but you got lucky to come in when you did- the early stages of frostbite aren't great but they're easily treatable so long as you don't do something silly like rubbing your hands together. Aside from keeping yourself warm, no further treatment necessary."
A nod, and Hawkeye goes over to his files to write something in Tarantulas'.
"You can go ahead and get the radio set up now- I'll stay out of your way. You planning on getting any music over these things or is it just for emergencies?"
Hawkeye nods, "good, good. I don't need to tell you I'm sure but you got lucky to come in when you did- the early stages of frostbite aren't great but they're easily treatable so long as you don't do something silly like rubbing your hands together. Aside from keeping yourself warm, no further treatment necessary."
A nod, and Hawkeye goes over to his files to write something in Tarantulas'.
"You can go ahead and get the radio set up now- I'll stay out of your way. You planning on getting any music over these things or is it just for emergencies?"
"Indeed yes." Tarantulas grins brightly. "I possess many areas of expertise."
The examination done, he moves to the table and begins taking radio parts and tools out of the bag. "Normally I would recommend installing an antenna on the roof and running a wire through the wall, but with the weather so rotten lately I'm afraid such efforts will have to wait until spring -- and by then who knows? Cecil Palmer may have convinced the mayor to put up a radio tower by then, rendering the question moot. I believe he intending to run some kind of entertainment show when the system isn't needed for emergency broadcasts, by the way. But if you have any requests he would be the one to hear them."
The examination done, he moves to the table and begins taking radio parts and tools out of the bag. "Normally I would recommend installing an antenna on the roof and running a wire through the wall, but with the weather so rotten lately I'm afraid such efforts will have to wait until spring -- and by then who knows? Cecil Palmer may have convinced the mayor to put up a radio tower by then, rendering the question moot. I believe he intending to run some kind of entertainment show when the system isn't needed for emergency broadcasts, by the way. But if you have any requests he would be the one to hear them."
"Oh yeah- that's the uh- the guy with the red hair and the voice. I don't know the mayor that well but a voice like that could sell me a bridge, I'd believe he could do it."
Having updated his notes, Hawkeye finds himself a seat to sit and watch Tarantulas do the install.
"Is radio one of your other areas of expertise?"
Having updated his notes, Hawkeye finds himself a seat to sit and watch Tarantulas do the install.
"Is radio one of your other areas of expertise?"
"Mm, not specifically. I'm used to a significantly higher level of technology than this -- but electromagnetism is electromagnetism, after all. The hardest part was re-engineering a device that could generate the waves on the desired frequency. It would be awkward if I accidentally melted anyone's head, after all."
Combust, Tarantulas. Organic matter doesn't melt, it combusts.
Combust, Tarantulas. Organic matter doesn't melt, it combusts.
....................
"Surely it wouldn't actually do that. Right."
Fun fact, the first commercial microwave was sold in 1955!
"Surely it wouldn't actually do that. Right."
Fun fact, the first commercial microwave was sold in 1955!
"This device absolutely would not," Tarantulas assures him. "It simply isn't powerful enough to do any damage to organic tissues or other electronic devices. I promise you, Cecil and I tested this design very thoroughly."
"Oh great, yeah, I'm sure I'll sleep better at night now. Does it have an off switch?"
Y'know. Just in case he doesn't want his brain melted while he's asleep.
Y'know. Just in case he doesn't want his brain melted while he's asleep.
"Just unplug it if you're worried," Tarantulas says with a dismissive little wave of one claw. After a moment, though, he glances over his shoulder at Hawkeye with a look of curiosity on his face. "Wait, aren't you from a version of Earth's 20th century? What are you so worried about simple electronics for?"
With disapproval, "You aren't one of those tin-foil conspiracy theorists they talk about on the datanet, are you?"
With disapproval, "You aren't one of those tin-foil conspiracy theorists they talk about on the datanet, are you?"
"You're the one who brought up head melting," he grumbles, "I wasn't too early not to see what nukes can do. Which makes me a scientist with a reasonable level of caution, not a conspiracy theorist."
Also this guy is a giant tarantula. So. Maybe he has brain-melting tech on his home planet. Hawkeye has no idea what's happening at any point.
Also this guy is a giant tarantula. So. Maybe he has brain-melting tech on his home planet. Hawkeye has no idea what's happening at any point.
"This is a far cry from a nuclear generator. Although I did once build a fission reactor back during my nomad days, to power an experiment..." He sighs nostalgically. Developing obtenteum solved all his power requirements and then some, but there was something heady about those days of never-ending research and shoestring design...the triumph of making an experiment work was often the only light that could reach him through the cracks of his depression. Good times.
"Anyway, I'm about done here," he adds. Yes, it really was that simple -- at least for him. "Do let me know if there are any technical issues. It's a simple design, but that would just make it more insulting if something breaks."
"Anyway, I'm about done here," he adds. Yes, it really was that simple -- at least for him. "Do let me know if there are any technical issues. It's a simple design, but that would just make it more insulting if something breaks."
...
"What's the chances of you putting together some sort of apparatus for x-rays, then? Is that something you could do? It's been quiet here more or less but whenever I think about needing to set a broken bone without an x-ray I break out in hives."
But that's not what Tarantulas is there for, and Hawkeye nods, standing again.
"Thanks, I'll get on the horn if anything goes wrong. Appreciate it."
"What's the chances of you putting together some sort of apparatus for x-rays, then? Is that something you could do? It's been quiet here more or less but whenever I think about needing to set a broken bone without an x-ray I break out in hives."
But that's not what Tarantulas is there for, and Hawkeye nods, standing again.
"Thanks, I'll get on the horn if anything goes wrong. Appreciate it."
"An x-ray machine?" Tarantulas pauses in the middle of packing his tools, even his legs ceasing their mid-air fidgeting for a few seconds. "Of course, it would be simplicity itself. I'd just need a little tungsten, a pump for the vacuum tube...but are you sure that's what you want? You do know x-rays can cause cellular damage in soft tissues, don't you?"
For what it's worth, he's more concerned than condescending. He cured Verity Carlo's cancer, but that was in the heart of his own lair, with ten thousand years worth of tools and equipment at his disposal. He doesn't like his odds on this backwards little island, even if he got the Autobot to help.
For what it's worth, he's more concerned than condescending. He cured Verity Carlo's cancer, but that was in the heart of his own lair, with ten thousand years worth of tools and equipment at his disposal. He doesn't like his odds on this backwards little island, even if he got the Autobot to help.
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